Day 378: Star Trek II - the Wrath of Khan

*** Disclaimer: This entry is kind of sick/gross, so please stop reading now if you are easily grossed out ***

In 'Star Trek II' there is a part in the movie where Khan (the baddie) places 'mind-controlling eels that enter the ears of his victims and uses the officers to gain control of the Reliant'. This scene has always horrified me because:

[1] The victims are crying out in pain,
[2] The lil' eels are slithering into their brain slowly, methodically, and with a purpose.

I had a similar encounter the other night. It was approximately midnight and I had collapsed on my bed knowing that I should probably get at least four hours of sleep before heading out to the road to catch a taxi to Cotonou. As I lay there, I started debating whether or not I should put in my ear plugs because I could hear the annoying cricket that had taken refuge in my kitchen area for the past few nights. I dismissed this idea because everywhere else was incredibly quiet and I didn't want to start relying on ear plugs to sleep. Soon after this thought I heard a mosquito buzzing by my head. I thought, "Good thing I decided not to put in my ear plugs or else I wouldn't have heard this little bugger."

I clapped in the general direction of the buzzing noise and figured I probably missed it. A few minutes later the buzzing noise came back and so I blindly clapped again. This time, however, something (something BIG) landed on my left ear lobe and then... to my surprise and utter disgust it scuttled into my EAR.

Now, I'm not one to freak out about things and in the past, when faced with an accident or something of that nature I have found out that I've been able to be calm and collected. This however, was too much. I. Flipped. Out. I jumped out of my bed screaming, "Get it out, get it out!" But to my dismay the bug didn't get out, instead it started burrowing into my ear canal. I became frantic and grabbed my ear pick (Koreans tend to use this little spoon-like device to pick ear wax) and thought for a split second, "Dennis, this is a really bad idea." And jammed it into my ear, hoping that this bug wasn't too big and that I would be able to essentially 'fling' it out of my ear. My first attempt came out with something yellow. Hrm, maybe ear wax. Tried it again. Again, yellow substance, ear wax? The last time I tried going to the upper part of my ear canal and felt something, but as I felt him, he felt me, and started trying to burrow further into my ear.

This was not comfortable. At all.

I screamed and flicked out what I hoped to be an ant. But when I looked down at the pick all that I could see was blood. Blood. Did I just rip through my tympanic membrane? I wasn't sure, but I could hear, and worst of all, feel this bug clawing around inside my head. What else could I do but call the emergency line for the Peace Corps doctors? As I waited for someone to pick up the phone, the bug in my ear would stop burrowing, wait, and then scratch around frantically, trying to find an exit into my brain. As such.

The bug. Enjoying my external auditory canal and munching on the tympanic membrane.

"Hello?" "Yes, doctor, a bug flew into my ear and it is ripping the inside apart. It hurts like crazy and I don't know what I should do." "I see. So there is an insect in your ear?" "Yes, that's *grimace* right. I think it is trying to burrow further and further into my head." "So it is alive?" "Yes, *yelp* it keeps digging in and it hurts a lot." "Okay, you can come down tomorrow to Cotonou." "*Yell* Tomorrow? What can I do about this pain right now? Can I throw water into my ear and try to drown it or something?" "Yes, you can try that. Don't worry, it can't get into your brain no matter how hard it tries." "*laughing and sad at the same time* Yes, I know, but it feels like he wants to get in there. I'll see you tomorrow then, good night." *click*

As the insect continued to burrow I threw as much water into my dishwashing station as it could hold and a healthy dose of bleach. Then I dunked the left-side of my face into the water hoping that it would reach the level of the insect, drowning it (I stood there for close to twenty minutes). Unfortunately for me, this didn't work. Every few minutes the bug would burrow harder, causing me to grip the table and yell out in pain. I didn't know what else to do but breathe harder and text my friend Andrew. He could tell I was freaking out and sent me a few really supportive texts and then the doctor called me again.

"Dennis." "*breathing heavily* Yes?" "Is the pain gone?" "No, the bug is still ripping around inside." "Did you pour water into it?" "I've been dunking my head. I'll try pouring water in it now." "Okay. Try that. Then you will come down tomorrow, okay?" "Yes, okay. Thank you doctor." *click*

Now, when you have an insect in your ear canal the very last thing you wanna do is tilt your head the other way, inviting it to go further in due to gravity. But it did seem like if I wanted to drown it, it would be the best way of accomplishing that goal. So, after taking a few big breathes and gritting my teeth I poured as much water as could go into my left ear. After a few scratches the bug stopped. At this point in time I wasn't sure what was in my ear. I thought maybe it was one of those big ants that always walk around my house. Or maybe it was a weird moth or something. If it was the former, those ants don't drown after a few minutes of water submersion, thus, I decided I'd play it safe. I ended up reading on my side for two hours and then slept for one hour with water in my ear. By the time I had to leave at four in the morning I was still scared the insect might be alive, but I had to risk it.

I sat up straight and let the water run out. No movement. I thought I could make it. Well, I did. And I got my ear checked out with a specialist in Cotonou. All I can say is that the specialist exclaimed, "Hohoho! C'est grande!", blasted my ear with water and air, and then took a pair of tweezers and pulled out a winner.

It hurt.

Voila. The cockroach that could. A 100 franc piece is about the same size as a quarter.