I didn’t do a good job of updating this blog in 2009. There are big holes between my posts, but looking back, I’m pretty sure that I was either aimlessly traveling around my area, or just sitting in my pagne-chair in my living room, reading, writing, or watching things on my computer. Thus, nothing to report.
It is amazing that I’ve already been in country for 546 days. When I close my eyes and think back to when I was leaving for Benin I can only remember feelings of anxiety, inadequacies, and the uncomfortable knowledge that I did not speak a lick of French. I was looking back at my personal journal and I found this entry that I had written about coming here. Ironically (or maybe not so ironically), this was written on January 10, 2008, the day I found out I would be a Peace Corps Volunteer (or, I suppose, trainee since that’s what they insist on calling you until you swear in) going to a West African country in July.
************
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm living in THE reality of what I call my life. The daily grind of things and the fact that I go to work, be zombie man, and then worry about the fact that I've been zombie man all day, always leaves me with an unsettling feeling when I get ready to crawl into bed at night. However, a new change has come over me. Kind of like a cloud lifting from a town that has had incessant rain for months and months, if not years. No, it's not like I found a girlfriend. I actually think I've found the anti-girlfriend. My dreams or aspirations are slowly forming into something tangible. Something fearful. Something that brings so much excitement to my mind and face, yet has the ability to be something that I dread more than anything else I've done in my entire life.
I'm going to be a peace corps volunteer.
That seems pretty weak when I look at that statement alone. I mean, you go off for a couple of years, living in an area that you are unfamiliar with. That ain't too bad, it'll be over in a blink of an eye. But there are so many random reservations and fears and inadequacies that I feel in my heart and in my mind that I can't seem to turn off. If I had a power switch for my anxieties and feelings of fear, this would definitely be the time I would pull the plug. I suppose the bravest people of them all though, would have to be my parents. When I called umma today she sounded nervous. She wanted to ask me what I decided to do with the nomination process, and more importantly, where I decided to go. When I told her that I've decided on africa, I could tell in her voice that she knew it was coming, but was hoping I would have changed my mind. Yet, she knows her son too well. Always the taker and the one following 'his dreams'... living in a magical world that somehow revolves around wanting to live in poverty, but wanting to have money at the same time. I asked her if she was scared for me and what appa thought about the whole ordeal. She was frank. I'm worried, but I know you would choose africa. You know appa, he'll support you no matter what you decide. But umma, are you guys really worried for me? Of course. And what happens if we visit you and we don't even know what to do when we get to the airport?
Oh mom. You are so cute. I reassured her that I would be at the airport waiting for them and that they wouldn't have to worry about such things. But honestly. I wonder how they feel. Do they think they screwed up somehow when raising their sons? Do they think that I just need to get this out of my system? I don't know and I don't think umma would ever tell me before I leave, but I must thank God for giving me parents like these. It isn't everyday that someone's parents is as supportive as my parents are being.
But anyway... So africa. In July. With a crash course in french for five months. Man. I'm gonna die. But it is going to be one hell of a time.
posted by Dennis.chon at 1/10/2008 11:41:00 PM
*****************
2009 had its ups and downs. Some of the biggest ups and downs I’ve ever experienced in my life actually. I made a lot of new friends, said goodbye to a bunch leaving the country, lost one in a still ‘unsolved’ murder, traveled to six new countries, went on safari, bungee jumped for my first time, and witnessed a beautiful wedding in the states. I’ve realized how hard it is to keep friends, how easy it is to lose friends, and how badly I need them. I probably managed to watch the most amount of movies/tv shows/trash than ever before in my life, but also had the pleasure of reading some really great novels (and trashy ones too). I’ve added another year to my life, bringing with it the ideas of wanting/needing to start a family, wondering where my ‘youthful carefree days’ have gone, and having to battle new bodily ailments (like a cockroach in the ear). This has been probably one of the least motivated years I’ve experienced in my entire life when dealing with ‘work-related activities’ mainly because I just ran out of places to look. It was the first year where I truly felt like a failure and inept at being useful. I also was more creative than I’ve been in a dozen or so years, which was refreshing. I’ve learned to cook from scratch things I never dreamed I would bother trying and figured out wallet-friendly ways to make food (ie. want to make individual sized cakes? Use old tuna cans).
I’m hoping 2010 will be an eye-opening year (God knows my eyes can use a little opening). Maybe I’ll realize what exactly I’m doing in Benin and where this whole thing is eventually leading me to. Maybe I won’t. Either way, I will strive to live, love, and be happy in all things. Thanks for reading and I hope I will have more stories for you in 2010!
It is amazing that I’ve already been in country for 546 days. When I close my eyes and think back to when I was leaving for Benin I can only remember feelings of anxiety, inadequacies, and the uncomfortable knowledge that I did not speak a lick of French. I was looking back at my personal journal and I found this entry that I had written about coming here. Ironically (or maybe not so ironically), this was written on January 10, 2008, the day I found out I would be a Peace Corps Volunteer (or, I suppose, trainee since that’s what they insist on calling you until you swear in) going to a West African country in July.
************
Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm living in THE reality of what I call my life. The daily grind of things and the fact that I go to work, be zombie man, and then worry about the fact that I've been zombie man all day, always leaves me with an unsettling feeling when I get ready to crawl into bed at night. However, a new change has come over me. Kind of like a cloud lifting from a town that has had incessant rain for months and months, if not years. No, it's not like I found a girlfriend. I actually think I've found the anti-girlfriend. My dreams or aspirations are slowly forming into something tangible. Something fearful. Something that brings so much excitement to my mind and face, yet has the ability to be something that I dread more than anything else I've done in my entire life.
I'm going to be a peace corps volunteer.
That seems pretty weak when I look at that statement alone. I mean, you go off for a couple of years, living in an area that you are unfamiliar with. That ain't too bad, it'll be over in a blink of an eye. But there are so many random reservations and fears and inadequacies that I feel in my heart and in my mind that I can't seem to turn off. If I had a power switch for my anxieties and feelings of fear, this would definitely be the time I would pull the plug. I suppose the bravest people of them all though, would have to be my parents. When I called umma today she sounded nervous. She wanted to ask me what I decided to do with the nomination process, and more importantly, where I decided to go. When I told her that I've decided on africa, I could tell in her voice that she knew it was coming, but was hoping I would have changed my mind. Yet, she knows her son too well. Always the taker and the one following 'his dreams'... living in a magical world that somehow revolves around wanting to live in poverty, but wanting to have money at the same time. I asked her if she was scared for me and what appa thought about the whole ordeal. She was frank. I'm worried, but I know you would choose africa. You know appa, he'll support you no matter what you decide. But umma, are you guys really worried for me? Of course. And what happens if we visit you and we don't even know what to do when we get to the airport?
Oh mom. You are so cute. I reassured her that I would be at the airport waiting for them and that they wouldn't have to worry about such things. But honestly. I wonder how they feel. Do they think they screwed up somehow when raising their sons? Do they think that I just need to get this out of my system? I don't know and I don't think umma would ever tell me before I leave, but I must thank God for giving me parents like these. It isn't everyday that someone's parents is as supportive as my parents are being.
But anyway... So africa. In July. With a crash course in french for five months. Man. I'm gonna die. But it is going to be one hell of a time.
posted by Dennis.chon at 1/10/2008 11:41:00 PM
*****************
2009 had its ups and downs. Some of the biggest ups and downs I’ve ever experienced in my life actually. I made a lot of new friends, said goodbye to a bunch leaving the country, lost one in a still ‘unsolved’ murder, traveled to six new countries, went on safari, bungee jumped for my first time, and witnessed a beautiful wedding in the states. I’ve realized how hard it is to keep friends, how easy it is to lose friends, and how badly I need them. I probably managed to watch the most amount of movies/tv shows/trash than ever before in my life, but also had the pleasure of reading some really great novels (and trashy ones too). I’ve added another year to my life, bringing with it the ideas of wanting/needing to start a family, wondering where my ‘youthful carefree days’ have gone, and having to battle new bodily ailments (like a cockroach in the ear). This has been probably one of the least motivated years I’ve experienced in my entire life when dealing with ‘work-related activities’ mainly because I just ran out of places to look. It was the first year where I truly felt like a failure and inept at being useful. I also was more creative than I’ve been in a dozen or so years, which was refreshing. I’ve learned to cook from scratch things I never dreamed I would bother trying and figured out wallet-friendly ways to make food (ie. want to make individual sized cakes? Use old tuna cans).
I’m hoping 2010 will be an eye-opening year (God knows my eyes can use a little opening). Maybe I’ll realize what exactly I’m doing in Benin and where this whole thing is eventually leading me to. Maybe I won’t. Either way, I will strive to live, love, and be happy in all things. Thanks for reading and I hope I will have more stories for you in 2010!
1 comments:
If nothing else you have grown to know yourself better, and the little tuna can cakes are ingenious!!
I know I don't really need to tell you that your past two years will have more impact on your future life than any other two years. Stay well, be well.
Judy (Carly's Mom)
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